January.

January

I feel like I always start the year saying it will be different this time. I’ll do more, I’ll work harder, I’ll try new things. But it rarely happens, does it? Nevertheless, I’m going to do the same thing this January as I have every year since I was about 12. I’m going to set myself goals for the year, not resolutions, because let’s face it, I have nothing to resolve, I’m practically perfect in every way. (Do I have to give credit to Mary Poppins there?)

So here goes. This is my list of goals for this year.

-Blog post at least once a month

-Complete my first book

-Walk my dog once a week

-Trust my instincts

-Eat well

I tweeted this and pinned it to the top of my profile so I couldn’t forget, and surprisingly it’s working. Is it because it’s only 16 days into the year when I’m writing this? Is it because the year began on a Monday and this pleases me beyond words? Is it because I’ve entered the year in what I believe is my ‘beginning of the year hypomanic period’? Who knows?

A year, 12 months, 52 weeks, 365 days. Not all added together of course, no that would be four years. And that’s silly. I refuse to keep all of this up for four whole years!

So let’s go through what I have called ‘my personal, achievable goals’ one by one (note: not resolutions).

First we have blog post at least once a month. Okay so, I’ve been thinking for a while about blogging my mental health journey, and when better to do this? The start of a new year, of course. I have previously blogged on tumblr about my mental health, as a sort of diary. I thought if I posted it online daily then I’d have a kind of obligation because someone might be reading it. But that just put stress on the whole thing and it didn’t last more than two weeks. Since then, for a few reasons, the main one being the god awful negativity of facebook becoming too much,  I’ve been pulled (positively skipped) back to twitter as a place to express myself without censoring. I find twitter so much more accepting and honest than Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat because those it seems, to me anyway, are platforms where people feel the need to showcase their wealth (not always in the money sense) and then belittle that of others’. And I ain’t down for none of that shit. Since coming back to twitter I’ve been able to find so many people who have similar experiences to me, similar interests, similar passions, similar struggles. And it’s incredible. And I don’t say that lightly! To have found a community where people accept me, for whatever rubbish I want to talk, however many rants I go on, however many emotional breakdowns I tweet through, I haven’t felt judged, stereotyped or labelled in a way that I used to on facebook. Okay, this is starting to turn into an anti-facebook post. Back to the decision to blog. So many of the people I have found on twitter blog about their mental health, their recovery, their experiences, their lives and it made me want to try again. But daily seemed too daunting. Weekly could even put me off. Monthly though, I can do that. Right? Let’s see.

The second goal is kind of a big one. Complete my first book. Easy peasy. I’ll just do a five page book of jokes. No. But it’s not going to be a 500 page novel either. I’ve discovered recently that writing my feelings in the form of poetry is helpful for me to make sense of my emotions, release them and just let it go. (Now I’m quoting bloody Elsa!) It was over the last couple of years reading poetry by Rupi Kaur and Amanda Lovelace, that sparked this for me, and I’m still inspired to write, create and accomplish this, all while helping myself cope. Win win. I think rather than forcing myself to write and write, when I feel the inspiration or emotion, I’ll just let it flow. That’s how the best poetry is written anyway. Plus I don’t want to put the added pressure on myself because then it will become a chore rather than my own kind of therapy. The plan, when the book is complete, is to self publish as an e-book. Then do I get to call myself an author? Because I totally am.

The third goal: walk my dog once a week. Seems simple on the surface. In reality this could prove the real challenge. Last year I have found it difficult to leave my house for the most part, and I still do. Not because I am scared to go out, but because the exhaustion I feel for days after any outing is often just not worth it. I really have to decide whether the reward is worth the cost. And if the reward is being turned away by yet another doctor, then it really just isn’t worth my effort. Walking Jade once a week seems like an achievable yet challenging goal for me. Altogether I left my house less than 30 times last year. So even if all I go out for this year is to walk Jade, that’ll be 52 times! Nailed it. Obviously if I feel like I can do more, I will. Once a week is a minimum. And how is it going so far I hear you ask, well, I’ve walked her twice, and it’s the 16th January today, so I’m perfectly on track! So far anyway!

Fourth is to trust my instincts. Pretty self explanatory but I’ll expand anyway. Yes I am very stubborn, yes I have strong opinions, yes I am argumentative. But I’m also very easily manipulated, pressured and worn down. And often I get the gut feeling that something isn’t right, or I’m being treated badly, but I try to ignore it and convince myself that I’m just imagining it, that’s another thing that my illness is pretending is real. But more times than not, my instincts were right. And I’m dropped, hurt and vulnerable all over again. So this year, I’m trusting myself over anything and anyone. After all, I’m the only one who has been there for me through everything.

Finally, the last goal (still not a resolution) is to eat well. I don’t really think I need to go too much into this since I’ve just eaten a Christmas tree shaped chunk of white chocolate and am currently drinking hot chocolate with marshmallows... it’s snowing, I’m allowed, okay? Seriously though I struggle with, what I now know to be called, disordered eating. Basically I eat my feelings, switching from binging for weeks at a time to weeks of strictly dieting and almost fasting. Totally not a healthy pattern at all. I was careful to word my goal as “eat well” rather than “eat healthily” because often what people deem healthy is often the times when I’m being incredibly strict and will only have a banana or some broccoli and chicken. I’m eating healthy food yes, but I’m not healthy mentally. So far this is the only goal I’m not sticking to yet, but there’s plenty of time to perfect it. I am a work in progress. A perfectly imperfect work in progress.

Thank you for reading this waffle, see you next month (probably).